In 1995, Daniel Goleman, published a book introducing the concept of emotional intelligence.  The idea--that an ability to understand and manage emotions greatly increases our chances of success and happiness--quickly took off, and it went on to greatly influence the way people think about human behavior.  But what does emotional intelligence look like in everyday life?  Here are some examples to help you:

1. You think about feelings.

Emotional intelligence begins with what is called self- and social- awareness, the ability to recognize emotions (and their impact) in yourself and others. That awareness begins with reflection. You ask questions like:  What are my emotional strengths? What are my weaknesses?  Pondering questions like these yield valuable insights that can make you a better mentor!  

• Can you think of examples when recognizing your emotion and/or the emotions of your mentee or mentor would be helpful?  Or examples of when ignoring these emotions could do harm? 

2. You pause.

The pause is as simple as taking a moment to stop and think before you speak or act. (Easy in theory, difficult in practice.) This can help save you from embarrassing moments, saying something wrong or inappropriate, making commitments or decisions too quickly, etc., when it might be a temporary emotion, for example, driving your response.

• In mentoring, can you think of examples when you have stopped and paused (and are glad you did?) before saying or doing something?  Or examples of when you didn’t and wish you had paused? 

3. You think of criticism as beneficial.

Nobody enjoys negative feedback. But you know that criticism is a chance to learn, even if it's not delivered in the best way. And even when it's unfounded, it gives you a window into how others think.

• When you receive negative feedback, are you able to view it as a benefit?  When you deliver negative feedback, are you good at doing so and communicating to your mentee that you are criticizing to help them improve?  Are you skilled at constructively delivering negative feedback?  How do you make sure you are heard vs. having your mentee shut down because they are being criticized?

4. You demonstrate empathy.

The ability to show empathy, which includes understanding others' thoughts and feelings, helps you connect with others. Instead of judging or labeling others, you work hard to see things through their eyes.  Empathy doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with another person's point of view. Rather, it's about striving to understand--which allows you to build deeper, more connected relationships.

• Can you think of a time when showing empathy helped you build a better working relationship with someone?   How might showing your mentee or mentor empathy be important?

5. You praise others.

All humans crave acknowledgment and appreciation. When you give a well-deserved compliment, you satisfy that craving and build trust in the process (which is critical for mentoring someone else well).

This all begins when you focus on the good in others. Then, by sharing specifically what you appreciate, you inspire them to be the best version of themselves.  But you have to mean it—everyone can detect an empty compliment!

• How, and upon what basis, have you, or might you, praise and encourage your mentee or mentor? How could you remind yourself to give praise regularly?

6. You apologize.

It takes strength and courage to be able to say you're sorry or said something wrong or inaccurate. But doing so demonstrates humility, a quality that will naturally draw others to you.

Emotional intelligence helps you realize that apologizing doesn't always mean you're wrong in the informational sense. It does mean valuing your relationship more than your ego.

• We all make mistakes.  Trying to hide them or cover them up can get us into deep trouble.  How can you teach your mentee this lesson…or do they already recognize this?  Have you ever had this happen to you when in a mentoring relationship (maybe you were the mentee when it happened)?

7. You keep your commitments.

Sometimes people “in power” break an agreement or commitment because they can. Of course, even if they don’t realize, it has harmful effects on working relationships with others.

• Do you make a habit of keeping your word--in things big and small—and build trust with your mentee or mentor so that they do the same with you?  Think of examples when you have or haven’t delivered on a commitment or a promise.  What effects did it have?  How can you teach your mentee/mentor its importance?

8. You help others.

One of the greatest ways to positively impact the emotions of others is to help them.  Most people don't really care where you graduated from, or even about your previous accomplishments. But what about the hours you're willing to take out of your schedule to listen or help out? Your readiness to get down in the trenches and work alongside them?  Or finding time to retrieve a great article that would be of interest to them?

• Actions like these build trust and inspire others to follow your lead when it counts.  Think of how you were on the receiving side of being helped/mentored by someone, and the impact on your life that it had (even if they weren’t all that aware of how they helped).  How can you pay it forward?  As a mentee, how can you make sure the mentoring relationship is satisfying for your mentor?

Adapted by CISTAR from: INC https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/13-things-emotionally-intelligent-people-do.html